If you are a natural nurturer, this time of year can be equally fulfilling and draining. On one hand, this is your time to SHINE! It is the season of giving after all. You likely give your time, energy, thoughts, love, and money even more than usual. Does this make you a fantastic person? Absolutely! You are likely many a person’s best friend, the mom that doesn’t forget “that something special,” and can always be counted on. And my guess is you haven’t found a whole lot of time for you, and if it hasn’t already,

it is starting to drain your tank (i.e. getting sick, poor sleep, increased irritability). The tough part about being a natural nurturer is that it is a role that is often assumed of us and therefore can get out of control quickly. Example: You enjoy cooking, now you are responsible for making dinner every night for your family. Generally speaking, you really do enjoy making a meal for everyone. However, when we feel like we have to or no one else will, it does not feel quite as enjoyable anymore.

When I say “time for you,” what’s your reaction? A chuckle? Scoff? Confusion? It is a little of all of those for most of us. When we talk about time for ourselves or self- care, there’s a vision that pops up: warm bubble bath, glass of wine and candles. I’m not knocking that, as it sounds heavenly! However, for the natural nurturers out there, we need to go a little deeper and more practical than that. It is about setting boundaries, getting other people on board to support you, going back to the basics, and letting go.

SETTING BOUNDARIES

To set boundaries, we have to know what our traps are. If someone tells us we are really good at something, does that become a trap for having to do it? If someone is going to fail, forget, or make a mistake, does stepping in become our trap? Does thinking, “I could do this better or faster,” than someone else become our trap to taking on additional tasks? Have some inner dialogue with yourself about where you unnecessarily insert yourself and end up with an overflowing plate. This is where you start to say no and set boundaries. When things we naturally enjoy doing and get joy from turn into work or have-tos, that is a sign to set a boundary. Rule of thumb: If it sounds like a “should,” do not do it.

SUPPORT SYSTEM

No one can go it alone. As humans we were not meant to. We are designed to oscillate between connection and autonomy. When we are natural nurturers we know that our default mode is to give: it makes us feel better, it makes others feel better, and it appears initially to be a win- win. Giving is our coping mechanism. It can distract us, give us a quick endorphin boost, and help us avoid what we are really feeling or need to be doing. We need to enlist our support system to help us identify when we’ve gone too far; when we are using it as a maladaptive coping mechanism or just plain exceeding our personal giving limits. Wondering what those things are? A quick way to find out is to ask the people around you. Ask 3-4 people you are close with and trust, “How can you tell when I’m burned out?” or “What do I do when I am being pushed past my limits?” It might be difficult to hear these answers from other people. However, it is even more challenging to identify these things about ourselves.

FOOD, WATER, SLEEP, SUNSHINE, CONNECTION.

The basic foundation of being a human able to operate at

their full potential.

BACK TO THE BASICS

Bubble baths, dessert, vacations, peace and quiet. Those all sound like

AMAZING self-care ideas. AND they aren’t super practical and accessible

to us when we need them the most. We need to go back to basics when we are talking about taking care of ourselves, and ultimately the people around us. Food, water, sleep, sunshine, connection. Let’s just start with those. The basic foundation of being a human able to operate at their full potential.

Making these five things non-negotiable is not selfish. If you identify as being a nurturer, then don’t you want to be at your best for others so you can give, give, give? How can you do that when you haven’t eaten all day or slept all night? Is it possible that it is actually selfish not to take care of ourselves first before we give? As nurturers we want to show up for people emotionally, financially, etc. We can’t do this well if we have deprived ourselves of these five foundational aspects. Start with these as they are practical, accessible and necessary.

LETTING GO

Perfectionism. If you are someone who likes to give, give, give, chances are you also like things to be just so, you like to be in control, and strive for perfection.

Perfection is the death of good enough and complete. How many times have you given

up because you didn’t think you could complete something “perfectly?” Good enough is pretty darn good! Complete is done, finished, off your plate! Perfection robs us of joy and

purpose. Perfection hates the saying, “It’s about the journey, not the destination.” Research tells us we find joy and purpose in the process and in the connection to other people, not the final product. Going back

to the example of enjoying cooking at the beginning. There’s a good chance the reason you enjoy this is because you want to bring your family together and nourish them, not present them with a magazine cover spread. We put perfection on ourselves most of the time. Good and complete are usually just fine with family, friends, or even employers. Check in with yourself and see if you are being stifled by self-imposed perfection. If so, it is likely robbing you of the joy you typically experience from giving.

As we are all being asked to do more and more these days (or at least do different), use these strategies to help minimize burnout and support your natural nurturer. It is ok to enjoy giving.

It can give us a deep sense of purpose and joy. However, when these two things are no longer apparent, it is a good indication that one of these tools might help you get back on track.

Emily is a licensed clinical social worker, certified health coach, and owner of Reclaiming Health, LLC. She specializes in body image support, eating disorders, anxiety, life transitions, mindfulness, and women's issues. More info: www.reclaiminghealth.net.